Why Do We Love and Hate Mary Sues?
by The Bitter Little Flamer
Summary: Again slightly odd. Critical essay. Rated for the mild usage of language and a plot description. Enjoy.


Why Do We All Love (Hate) Mary-sues?  
  
A Mary-sue, by definition, is a perfect girl with a mysterious past and uncannily beautiful features who shows up in a story and immediately saves the day. That's the polite version. We flamers know her as "that annoying little bitch with bad grammar." So why do teenage girls keep writing her, repeatedly, in every fandom known to humanity?  
  
Well, this little flamer's gonna find out. There have been a few essays on the subject, listed at the end under my notes, but I have my own ideas. I've been working with the PPC (Protectors of the Plot Continuum) for a few months now- in fact, I'll celebrate my first year of service in late May. Since then, there have been countless Mary-sue authoresses out for my throat, and now I'm giving them all a place to flame me.  
  
You'd most likely be surprised to find out that a year ago (last February, or thereabouts), I was actually writing Mary-sues- and giving them good reviews! Yes, I actually posted a terrible Mary-sue when I first joined the community, under another pen-name. But after I posted another story and began to get flames, and as I learned and grew as a writer, I learned that Mary-sues are one of the lowest forms of Fanfiction out there. So I took her down and she met Mr Recycling Bin.  
  
I could take this time to tell you all my personal history as a writer. But I won't, for that is not why I even bothered to post this. I'm here to give my viewpoint on something that's been destroying canon and fandoms for a long time. There have been records of Mary-sue like characters in magazines from the 1800s- these were beautiful girls who heroically saved children from fires, then died themselves.  
  
I've had the most experience with Tolkien Mary-sues, probably the most abundant type of all. I've MSTed[1] a number of them as well. Some may have gotten the pleasure of being MSTed. Well, now I'll give you the link to my site AND you have my email- fill my inbox with those lovely flames. In all Tolkien Mary-sues, there is consistent usage of clichéd romantic plot points- gentle "lovemaking" in Lóthlorien, passionate post-battle sex, and even slavery/bondage fornication after a rescue or a trade. I may be a sucker for romance, but it's usually slash or hetero canon pairings.   
  
In most Tolkien Mary-sues, the writer makes up a faux Elvish name for her character (or characters), uses a unique English name, or simply names her character "Katie" or "Sarah." In my memory, there have been only two or three 'Sues that have used a true Elvish name; alas, most of them are variations of Arwen or Galadriel. Most have names like "Lucretia" or "Silverbird" or, if Mistress Saigon will pardon the use of her name, "Celebelen." (I feel compelled to note here that Mistress Saigon's Celebelen is a parody 'Sue, thank Elbereth.)   
  
By far, the Tolkien character that has been romanced by Mary-sues the most would be Legolas. Going back into the FF.Net archives of years before Peter Jackson's films came out, I have found very, very few Mary-sues of anyone; however there is a particularly memorable one who shags both Celeborn and Galadriel at the same time). What exactly the allure of this blonde crownéd Elf warrior is, I have a theory.   
  
Of the Blonde Elf Prince(ss)  
  
I remember when I first saw the films, the one who caught my eye was that very same comely Elf prince. Perhaps it's just because he is a prince that teenaged females love him. Now in my years of reading and writing metric tonnes of slash, I think there may be a more subtle reason.  
  
Many people love the television show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." But why exactly do females love these great gays? Perhaps it's because they're more prim and proper, wearing fashionable clothing and always neat and clean. Or maybe it's because they are better to take shopping. No one's really sure, but for some reason, straight women love gay men. And that's probably why I write slash.  
  
Yes, my insane theory is these hormone-driven Mary-sue authoresses love Legolas because he simply looks like a gay man. No offence to him. Females love to see a pretty male looking kempt and proper. I do. My friends do. My mother does. And no doubt, so do you. But perhaps I am wrong. I'm not a philosopher nor a psychologist.  
  
The other 'Sued characters include Frodo, Boromir, Aragorn, and (more rarely) Merry, Pippin, and Haldir. Notice in the films that each of these males (save Aragorn) look clean and, well, almost effeminate. And humans are drawn to pretty things, female or male. So is every other creature on Earth.   
  
Now, you'll ask: "But what about Aragorn? He's always (save the end of RotK) dirty and greasy!" I asked my friend Ellen about the allure of the dark Ranger of the North turned King of Gondor. She said that he was "the essence of masculinity" and "attractive in his own way." In other words, he may not look effeminate, but the testosterone oozing from his very picture instantly made some females fall for him. And to all their own, I say.  
  
Now we have the plot of the Mary-sue to deal with. Or, actually, several plot-lines.  
  
First is the "Future Sue," so dubbed because she appears in Middle-earth from our time. Usually she'll find a magical object or be sucked into her TV or computer, sometimes she'll be hit by a truck or commit suicide and end up there; more rarely, she'll be kidnapped by someone and get sent to Middle-earth. 90% of the time she'll know everything about the Quest and the characters; she'll show up on Elrond's front door-step and begin to spout the future to the entire Council. Sometimes she won't know what will happen- she'll forget her entire past life or be muted. And the ending is either a) she decides to forget her life on Earth and shack up with (insert character's name here) 'till the end of her days, b) she'll go back to Earth and strangely have (insert character's name here) follow, or c) she'll be killed giving her life in battle to save the one she love(s/d) and mourned forevermore.   
  
Second is the Elven, Ranger, Hobbit, or Random Combination of Races Sue. She's a stunningly beautiful half-elf, half-Uncanonical Creature[2] with a fiery disposition and a weapon to match. She'll fall for Legolas or Aragorn, sometimes Boromir (whom she'll save from death), Faramir, or Éomer. She sometimes reluctantly goes on the Quest or volunteers, or the Fellowship picks her up along the way. And her story will end with either her death or a happily-ever-after.  
  
Third is the more rare reverse Future Sue. This 'Sue either magically transports the Fellowship or just a certain character to her home in modern-day Earth and shows them around. After fun games like laser tag and amusement parks, she'll realise she developed feelings for a certain character and they'll end up together. Sometimes she'll come with them back to Middle-earth. Other times the character will stay with her. And rarely it'll have a "sad" ending when the character returns to Middle-earth without her and never loves again. These fics are spawned when an author has seen only the films, sometimes only one film, or half of one, and decides to clear and secure her writing territory by setting the characters on her own turf.  
  
And lastly, we have the ever-so beloved Porno Sue. These elusive creatures are very rare (not so, alas, any more- check the R-rated romance fics for an example of one). I myself have "ripped the piss" from a few of these, having developed a "special" place in my heart for disgusting fics, complete with "enormous, erect you-know-whats" and whimpering virgins turned enthusiastic lovers. These fics are created for the sole purpose of getting one's Mary-sue character in bed with one's Lust Object, and very often have the plot of, say, "Gigli". (And if you thought that had a plot, you make me sick.) Some authoresses seem to enjoy this kind of thing as wank-fodder and the like, but most of us just find them annoying and somewhat unsettling (I once found a L/A slash fic where Aragorn had an Amazing Purple Manhood).[3]  
  
Now, Mary-sues don't always have to be one's own original character. Occasionally, an authoress will usurp one of Tolkien's own female characters (99% of the time Éowyn and Arwen) and have one of them fall in love with a male character. The most annoying pairing is, of course, Legolas/Éowyn, which is both uncanonical and quite sickening. I must admit, though, I have a soft spot for Faramir/Éowyn (canonical) fics, and a few book-based Aragorn/Arwen fics. Every PPC Agent I know or have spoken to despises these uncanonical romance fics when one destroys Tolkien's own character for the sake of their romance.[4]  
  
And why exactly do people keep writing these Mary-sues? There are a few reasons, I believe. The main one, of course, is because the authoress herself is uncomfortable with her own looks and/or life, and creates a character in her head that is perfect and has a dark past turned into a lovely, happy future. That would also explain the majority of Mary-sue authors being between the ages of 11-16 (or thereabout); during that time of life one is very uncomfortable in her own skin. Another might be because (this is mostly the case with lesbian or bisexual Mary-sues) authoresses are frightened or unsure of their own sexual feelings and create a sexually attractive character to act out their desires on a lust object. It may also be the case that it's just to bug those of us who hate Mary-sues. Attention-starved authoresses (sometimes insecure with themselves in real life) will write a Mary-sue just to get us PPC agents ruffled.  
  
I'm sure I can say that Mary-sues will indeed be about for quite a while still. There's no way, with thousands of teenage (and beyond) authoresses spinning wondrous tales of Elena Ravenfeather, the red-haired, black-eyed half-elf princess of Dorianowyn, who falls in love with the Elf Prince Legolas during her quest to rescue the world from evil once again. [5]  
  
Yet perhaps, my Mary-sue loving (and hating) friends, there will be a day when we all set down our pens and rest our keyboards from the monotonous writing of the Mary-sue, and the fandom will once again live happily ever after, in true Mary-sue fashion.  
  
Author's Endnotes, Bibliography, and General Remarks  
  
I'd like to thank and bow down to Mistress Saigon, for the mention of her faux Mary-sue Celebelen and simply because her writing is quite good; all of my fellow PPC Agents, for almost five years of fandom service; Lia, for introducing me to the larger world of Tolkien books; all of my dear Cardboardians, who taught me the horrors of Mary-sue; and my real-life friends (especially Ellen) for their aid in the crafting of this…essay… critical writing…thing. Also my sincerest apologies to Lucretia666, for the mention of her Mary-sue, various Mary-sue authors I have pissed off with the posting of this essay, and most of all, DBZVegeta, for telling you to stick your head in the toilet. Actually, scratch that last bit. I'm a bitter flamer with no conscious.  
  
Notes:  
  
[1]- MSTed, if you don't know, began with the TV show Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It is the process of taking a bad Fanfiction and inserting sarcastic, rude, and random riffs between the lines of the original text. For an example, visit my Webpage (link on my profile).  
  
[2]- These Uncanonical Creatures range from unicorns to mermaids, faeries, sorceresses, and the modern-day werewolf. (Werewolves, however, Tolkien did include in his work The Silmarillion; but they were not at all like the modern-day werewolf (as played by Lon Cheney and others.)  
  
[3]- Most Porno Mary-sues have been moved to adultfanfiction.net due to the recent NC-17 restrictions on FF.Net. However, I have indeed spotted a few that are worthy of NC-17 ratings here at the Pit of Voles. Some I have reported; others, simply flamed and maybe MSTed.  
  
[4]- As some of you have learned the hard way, those who screw with Éowyn die very painfully and very slowly. My beloved Shieldmaiden would never sprog with that nancing Elf prince(ss).   
  
[5]- I don't think Elena Ravenfeather exists. And if she does, she's going to die very, very shortly. There are, alas, others out there who actually have been of her sort. I truly hope that any of you who read (and understood) this critical essay will now understand the folly of posting an absurd Mary-sue of the sort. And now I'm going to go vomit after even dreaming up such a hideous Mary-sue.  
  
Bibliography:  
  
Gil Shalos' Mary-sue Litmus Test  
  
Winterfox's Mary-sue Litmus Test  
  
Various essays on the Mary-sue that I have unfortunately lost the links to- if you have ever written a Mary-sue essay, you're credited. Perhaps at some later date I'll find your essay again.   
  
My sincerest apologies to any and all of the bibliography author-folk. I am a terribly lazy person who has the memory of a badger. Please email me with the link to your essay/ litmus test so that I can change this horrible error ASAP.   
  
And now, I believe, this essay is done. Please drop a flame or review in the box. Even I'm still not above whoring for reviews. 


End file.
